Updating a new entry in this morning as my head is full of thoughts (messy) once I woke up. I need to spill it out because writing is one of the stress reliever for me. Walaupun penulisan i tak sedap - who cares. Yesterday was my relax day at office -just once in a meantime. Along 9 working hours, I just spent bout 2 hours doing works, an hour for lunch, an hour for watching Running Man (during break time), and the rest were chatting, web exploring, blog reading and searching for job vacancy. - this really make me thinking bout life.
Tak tahu lah nak start dari mana.
Scrolling down on my Instagram's feed every single day. Watch how happy everyone's life, going to vacation, having money to eat an expensive meal, having money to go shopping, a bf making a suprise to his beloved, having a blessed with the engagement and marriage life, having so happy with their baby. Every single day, there is always a happy story to share. No, I'm not getting jealous, iri hati or busuk hati with others' rezeki. I'm not that negative person to be label, honestly I'm so happy for them for being able achieve thier dream & enjoying their rezeki.
It's just a brief feeling that flies thru my heart, "When will can I achieve my dreams like others did?" "Sampai bila aku nak duduk di zone selesa?"
Still remember a few of conversations i had with my friends last Raya ;
- With a my friend doctor, she looks so so thin.
"Seronok xxx jadi dokter? Finally you get want you want to be., achieve your dream. Mesti best kan, masuk masuk gaji tinggi..." "Mu tahu aku macam nak mati dah, makan pun tak sempat wei, rushing running here running there, kena marah setiap hari, tak terkira dah berapa kali nagis...solat pun kadang-kadang ada yang tertinggal, xsempat.."
- Another friend,
"Noni, aku tak share lagi, tahu tak, aku tak percaya wehh, aku dapat 5 bulan gaji bonus (darab pointer) untuk raya tahun ni" "Berapa weh dapat?" "Aku dapat 10k weh, terkejut gila, tak expect langsung.." "Alhamdulillah, murah rezeki kau..."
Ohmaigad. Speechless. She is in the same age of me. Masuk kerja pun lebih kurang sama dengan aku. I do happy for her, sebab aku tahu she deserved that. She deserved that rezeki so much. Ikhlas, aku langsung tak cemburu dengan rezeki dia because I love her, so I really happy to see she's so happy living her life, having a baby and loving husband. But then i felt gloomy for myself, am I not deserve that happiness and rezeki?
- She is my best friend who I respect, love and share a lot of things. Jumpa masa raya aritu, and we always will updating our progress of life, she asked bout me first and I still remember what I said to her ;
"xxxx, seronok ke beraya dengan buah hati?, mesti seronok kan ade orang keep in touch everyday, tanya pasal kita setiap hari" "Seronok menda nya Noni, retak menanti belah dah ni, stress aku raya raya ni pun buat hal"Gulp.
"Noni, ambik cuti nak pergi raya mana lagi tuuu?" "Hahaha, kawan tunang lah" "Kawan tunang?" "A ah kawan tunang bukan Noni, Noni takde rezeki lagi.." "Takpelah Noni, be happy with your own life dulu, Noni muda lagi.." "Ala, xxx boleh la cakap macam tu, akak dah kawin. Hahaha" "Who said kahwin takde masalah? Who said kawin tak gaduh? Who said bila dah kawin 24h happy? happy dengan diri sendiri dulu, kalau dengan diri sendiri tak happy macam mana nak happykan orang lain.."
Ada lagi lah a few stories, pasal kawan nak bertunang, jumpa kawan-kawan yang dah dukunganak. jumpa kawan yang dah bercerai pun ada. Oh, life is so mystery.
I'm not being ungrateful. I know everyone has diff path of life. Everyting Allah's plan is always the best and perfect rather than my own plan. Allah dah tulis rezeki setiap insan tu sejak dia lahir lagi. Ya, I know everthing. Dont worry, I will slap myself everytime I felt ungrateful or merungut. I still manage to istighfar everytime I felt down bout my life. bcause I know it's wrong to mempersoalkan rezeki yg Allah bagi. There are still a lot of people who wish to be at my place right? I have read a lot of motivational quotes & stories. I managed to cheer up myself evertime I felt down.
But I do believe sometimes, I can and I deserve to get more. Is it wrong? So clueless bout my life. Envy when others have a very smooth and easy life. I believe me myself can do better to improve myself. Read a lot of motivation in trusting bout rezeki. Tawakkal is trusting and realizing Allah has a better plan for me. But I guess I still need to work harder before tawakal for everything I want to Allah.
Insha Allah. May Allah ease.
Insha Allah. May Allah ease.
Wake up lazy Noni. Wake up.