Monday, July 24, 2017

Make It Easy Too.

*Publishing old draft*
 Hi my best friend-diary,
After a long period of hibernation, it feels good again to meet you. I’m not in the mood of writing, but I make it as a compulsory to myself as writing is a good way of healing. Yes, I have been broke for too long. Poor me. Cant eat well, cant sleep well, cant work well, crying in a bed, bathroom, car, streets and even everywhere. Worse right?
I remember the day you told me you were leaving
I remember the make-up running down my face
And the dreams you left behind you didn't need them
Like every single wish we ever made
I wish that I could wake up with amnesia
And forget about the stupid little things
Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you
And the memories I never can escape

'Cause I'm not fine at all
Gratefully, I have many many of supportive friends around me who texts, dm, calls and sit in front of me asking for my condition. They all encourage me to stand up again after falling from this high gorge. The heart breaking feeling is so so so bad and has a lot of negative-side. Nauzubillah, hopefully, I wont get to go thru this pain again. I cant see anything blooming anymore after the broke-up. It's so dark. It’s really hard to go thru a day without the same routines, no more text from you – you have no idea how frequently I’m looking for your text. But now I realize, it’s not so bad. I'm getting better now I guess.

 “I hate you for giving up on us. I hate you for hurting me.
I hate you for making me cry. I hate you for leaving me.
I hate you for what you’ve done. I hate you for ruining everything we had.
I hate you for making me trust you when you were just gonna break that trust.
I hate you for making me love you so much. Mostly, I hate you for making me a fool because i still love you despite everything you put me through...”

Dear Faisal, it’s really hard for me to get up from this high falling, but realize the fact of that I’m just falling alone make it easier. I have no idea why you are asking me to keep you as a friend on instagram while all you did back then is showing off your sweetness with your new gf (old xceli). Are you wishing me to see it and keep crying? Seriously? Since, you did that, I got so many unexpected reactions from everyone. I’m ashamed. But thanks to you, because you make it easier for me, by showing off your true color.

A year and I cant believe I still crying myself over you even throwing my phone (really regret that fool). I have no strength to remove you from my friendlist & contactlist, deleting all our conversation, but thanks again to my friend who took my phone and did that. Because she knew, I wll never do that even I promised i will do it. My phone hang for 3 times just to delete our chat. Eventho, there are still undeleted files left in my hiding place, hahaha im so sly. Can you imagine how long the chat was? Ya, I know you dont even care. So now as you are showing everyone you are so happy with the new one, I decide to let everything go. I realize I need to move on too. Eventho, God knows you did to me. All the lies. I decide to change my dua'. Start from our first met,my dua' was always to you, I always pray that we will end up together but now I will let you happy with your choice. I really hope we are not meant to be together. I admit that I’m so sad in fact of losing you as you always promised
you wont ever leave me. You lied and your new gf is a liar too, promise to stand by my side konon. Nak je aku print screen semua conversation kau dulu forward balik kat diri sendiri tu.

Thanks for all of the concerns and supports friends, I’m so touched. Everyone is telling me to move on, everyone loves me, no one wants to see me broken for that long & bad. At first, I admit, I refuse to take their advices,  i tot they dont understand me. “Hey, you are not in my shoes, so dont ever think it is so easy!” But later on I realize, they all already went thru this phase, people love me, they advising me alot because they are all concern bout me, I’m  so blind by thinking they dont understand. I’m so selfish, why keep I’m hurting myself even the truth is already in front of me. I realize, sadness wont make me feel better, but it does drag me to the darkest place. I need to walk away from this source of pain, so that I can start healing.

Thanks Allah for these ups and downs moments. Thanks for choosing me. I’m regretting nothing. I read a lot of motivation stories. I noticed that this hardship make me closer to Allah as I’m always crying to Him. I learned to not trusting people so much. Even after the thousand of promises, people will leave me anyway. Forgiveness will help me obtain inner peace, I’ll forgive myself again and again. Today, I promise myself I wont stress too much over this matter again. Do believe, Allah chose me to go thru this hardship for a reason.
Really thanks to everyone who love me unconditionally.
Attached this for myself reminder ;
We never meet, but thanks for the spirit booster.
Hahaha, sorry, I cant help from laugh. Seriously that kind of question? I knew you've been contacting with her.
Nak je aku forward conversation korang. But it's okay thanks btw start from the beginning.
The one yang paling tired bagi nasihat kat aku. Sian dia penat tetiap hari dengar aku merapu.


Thanks girlfriends. A lots more. Tapi biarlah. Aku nak lupakan semua ni.

“No matter how shattered your heart is, never lose hope. Cry to Him for as long as you need. Only He can turn tears of sadness into pure joy.”

Your heart will heal. You have to believe that sayang.

i'm hungry. Pen off.

Saturday, July 22, 2017

Antara PTPTN dan JPA (Part 2)

Hi  Assalamualaikum..

Have a beautiful day to everyone who reading this right now! I have go thru a deep thought to decide whether or not bout writing this post. It's because if I really want to share, I already did that for a couples years ago - sebab aku takut korang salah pilih. And I hope I really hit the 'Publish' button in the end and not to Draft as I always did. Hahaha.

My last post was on 2013, really cant believe its help people. So as promised here goes the third entry.

For me, it's never wrong to share you experience, not only the good experience but people also need to know your bad one so that people wont go thru the bad days like how you did!

Sorry for my English, so tujuan post ni, aku cuma nak tolong anyone yang pernah search macam mana nak stop PTPTN, macam mana nak pilih kalau korang dapat dua-dua pilihan tu? Aku cuma  nak tolong students or should i call you adik by now? Damn, I'm aging! yang confuse , im trying to help because i was there before, searching really hard, inbox people, drop comments to ask even i never know them, so lets me help you even it's just a small sharing...

I'm not going to write about their benefits...because I believe there are a thousand of websites about that. And in the end of the reading, you will get the answer "of course JPA is the best one! you dont have to pay them back!" "Kau bodoh ke nak tolak rezeki dah dapat scholar JPA, you are the chosen one! just grab that!"

Aku ex-student degree. Memulakan degree dengan dibiayai PTPTN. Sampai semester tiga, aku dapat surat, JPA aku lulus. Aku akan dapat scholar JPA bermula sem depan (sem 4). Tapi aku kena stopkan PTPTN. Tak boleh ada bertindih. Masuk sem 4 aku dapat dua-dua, sebab PTPTN cakap masa tu dia kena habiskan satu tahun untuk pengajian. Dia kira pakai tahun, bukan pakai sem. So habis 2 tahun pengajian, aku takkan dapat dah PTPTN. I go with the flow. Aku baca blog, websites, semua cakap grab JPA if you get it. So aku follow that step.

Setahu aku, seingat aku, (forgive me if i'm wrong - 3 tahun dah tinggal study), kalau you dapat JPA ni of course lah you punya result okay kan? PTPTN dah menjanjikan, kalau you grad with the first class, you dont have to pay them back. Part ni lah yang cliche bagi aku. Seminggu aku fikir benda ni. Dua kali aku call pihak PTPTN nak sahihkan benda ni. Kau rasa kau confirm tak kau akan grad 1st class? Dah tiga sem kau exam and got the results. Pada masa tu aku yakin 80% yang aku boleh grad 1st class. And yup, I got dean awards for all semesters & grad with 1st class.

So, ingat tak tadi, aku dah stopkan aku punya PT separuh jalan, dan untuk sem 4 ianya bertindih. Sekarang, aku dah habis study, i need to pay that amount back - amount yang overlap sahaja! Tapi dah dua tahun aku ulang-alik pergi PT, nak bayar balik, ingat ye korang, duit PT tu hutang, jangan hidup dalam berhutang. Aku nak bayar balik thats why aku ulang-alik pergi ofis dia, tapi sampai sekarang diorang suruh tunggu surat , for two years! and I never get any letter from them! So frustrated!

So, nasihat aku, kalau korang yakin korang boleh grad dengan kelas pertama, just continue to use PTPTN. Study smart, and change that loan to scholarship. Jangan tamak macam aku. HAHAHA.

JPA hanya start from sem yang korang ditawarkan tu, dia takde cover2 yang lepas. Boleh refer kat surat tawaran JPA :)

Tapi, kalau dah dari awal dapat JPA, jangan gegatal pulak pergi cancel and pilih PTPTN.
Dan, kalau tak yakin boleh grad first class degree, you can choose my path, cuma sem yang bertindih tu je kena bayar balik. Cheaper dari bayar semua sem kan.
Of course you cant have two sources in the same time!

Hope this entry help!
Yeay! I really hit Publish button!
Okay lapar, nak gi masak.


Morning weekend.

Deciding to change a lit bit appearance on my blog as a step to make a better start of life, but i cant find anything to fit the taste. That 6 plus years-old-header needs to be change too as i'm not using the old URL anymore. Changes is pretty hard right?

hmm tengoklah nanti kalau rajin godek lagi

Start form early of this year there is a rumor saying that we will be moving to a new office building, - and i never wish it will be true - and last Wednesday the boss of the bosses changed the rumor to the fact. Damn, I really really dont want to move from this most comfortable bed and private-room. Love this spot really much. Sure, the daily routines gonna change a bit. Changes is pretty hard right? but its sure for the good (really not for me).

...but i still keep a little hope that thing wont happen hahaha!
So lazy.