"IS HE THE ONE?"

"What is he is not my destiny?" "What if I will get heart broken again after this?" "What is he's not mean to me?"
These kind of questions hit my head like a thousand of times - a day.

Can you help meeeeeeeee? I donoooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

I'm so bad at making decision.

But I know, 

No one ever can help me.

If someone suddenly be close with you for several months,

(in fact - i knew him for 9 years ago)

Suddenly proposed you to marry him.

"Sanggup x awk susah senang sama-sama sy?"

What.should.you.answer?

---

I remembered since the first day he wanted to befriend with me, 

(Finally aku replied after a few attemps he dm in fb messeger)

I was thinking for a while at that time- should I reply or should I ignore?

But there was a positive thought in my mind at that time. I was slightly moved by his action & bold.

How could you keep waving at someone who didnt even reply your chat?

I think - what if he is the one? 

He has been there waiting for my reply since years.

Dah masa nya kot aku buka balik hati aku balik. Kata dah move on? Kah

Aku terus buat solat istikarah lepas tu hahaha tapi bukan sebab desperate to get married, im just want to be be extra careful and firm to myself. Mamat yang sama kot dm kau since a few years back. Setahun aku tutup pintu hati, tapi dia dm lagi.What if he is the answer for my prayer?

Aku doa mintak Tuhan tunjuk, if he is not the one, aku taknak kawan dah,

hahahahaha sombong kan? tapi, tak bagi aku. 

Better to prevent, sebelum melalut lalut, I'm the one who will turn out become worse.

Time flies, we got closer, and one night, selepas first time kiteorang balik from taaruf session, so are you serious with me? Kalau tak, aku nak end everything here- maksudnya bukan putus kawan, tapi dah tak perlu kot to know each other deeper, aku dah taknak keep contact everyday.

He replied, "awak igt sy main-main ke? dari awal lagi sy serious..."

Glup.

And thing goes on. I met his mum, he met my family. Eveything goes smoothly.

One month left before our engagement and now my head keeps questioning, 

"Is he the one means to me?"

He has a few things that I dream of - and a few things that I dislike,

but I cant be selfish, nobody is perfect.

Now, I think I should stop thinking of unsure question lingers in my head,
because what I'm sure of now, it's not that "he is the one", it's because it's me who is afraid to make a decision because I'm keep thinking about negative things.

semoga semua yang was-was tu semua dari setan.

"Am I ready?

Hello, 2019,

time to start accepting the reality with open heart & arm!

Assalamualaikium!

Sebelum korang mulakan baca entry ni, better korang baca dulu my previous post. (Tomorrow Is The Day)

And before you proceed, let me askkkk, just whoo elseeeee jumpa mak partner korang on the second dateeeee? And i think this is not even fair to be call as a date huhuhu

I'm sooooo freaking nervous. I couldnt sleep a night before and it was really a last minute decision to drive home at 3am. So, after a few hours of driving, we (Jaja & I - Thankkkks Jun, for accompany me!) arrived at my friend's house (lets call him N) around 10am. It was so awkwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaardddd. I lost words, and his mum also was not being so talkative. We talked but then quiet, talk and then kriiikkk pastu kiteorang gelak. huhuhuhu. Sorry sebab tak datang dalam keadaan yang bersedia. I think my mind is blank because I couldnt get enuf sleep. Okay, lets blame the sleep hahahaha.

Selepas sejam lebih, kiteorang mintak diri untuk pulang. I sent Jaja home and with 30% energy left in my body, I drove back to Dungun. Honestly, my mind was so blank at this time. Aku bawak kereta tapi aku tak tahu aku dah kat mana. Just drove straight. Dalam kepala masa ni, asyik duk fikir, mak dia okaaayyyyy ke takkk mak dia boleh terimaa aku tak niii, suka aku takk niiii adoi huhuhu

Arrived home and I collapsed. 

Lepas layan anak buah kejap aku masuk bilik nak berehat, sedar-sedar tertidur. Dan terjaga a few minutes sebelum N pulak nak sampai umah aku. Huhuhu. Terpaksa pack kan dua date dalam satu hari - because we got no more time. 

Alhamdulillah, things went smoothly. Thanks to my brother sebab layan N baik-baik and washed-away his nervous. I can tell he's comfortable. One plus hours and he went home. 3 minit away, terus dia whatapps aku tanya feedback mak abang ok ke tak. Hahahaha serve youuu right, tadi masa aku jadi macam tu dia suruh aku bawak bersabar, ni his turn pulak :p

____

It took us around a veryyyy longggg  time to discuss about this-future-things. Tiap kali oncall pun asyik bincang pasal marriage. Tak sempat nak bercinta. Cinta pun tak berapa nak berputik -sebab aku sekat kahkahkahkah. I told him I'm fobia nak bercinta-cinta bagai, he understands, tapi life must go on. Dia bagi banyak semangat kat aku untuk terus melangkah. It's okay if you are scared, but if you never try you never know. We just slowly proceed to the flow and kalau benda tak jadi, kita redha k? 

Oh mai god. How could you be so calm. 

So, next date shall we? 

Sub-title : I Cant Sleep.

Here comes the night. And tomorrow is the day that I am counting down since a few days. Aihhh tak caye pulak esok dah harinyaa...

Currently it's 2230pm now. Dari pukul 10 tadi aku dah switch off the lamp dengan niat nak tidur awal. Buttt whyyyyy Godddd, it's hard tonightttt. I cant sleepppp. My eyes refuse to close and my mind still choose to stay awake -_-

Donow what else to do in this dark room - so here am I writing down the messy of my head (read as memory).

Kenapa kena tido awal?

Later, in a few hours, aku kena bangun (0230am) bersiap & drive back to Terengganu. Balik kampung!!! 

It was really a last minute plan, to drive back home at 3am in the morning. Fuhhh seb baik ade teman. Thanks Jun! Balik kali ni aku balik dengan hajat, hajat nya nak jemput "my special friend" datang rumah. Dan aku jugak, pergi rumah dia, his mum wanted to meet me >_<

Kalau ikut plan, sepatutnya aku bertolak lepas Subuh, by the time orang siap solat Jumaat, aku akan sampai rumah dia, tapi disebabkan abg aku tak dapat nak ambik cuti kerja on Saturday, so aku terpaksa korbankan waktu tidur aku untuk bangun awal and padatkan dua perjumpaan dalam satu hari. 

So, tomorrow's pagi ; aku jumpa mak dia 

And tomorrow's petang ; He will come to my house.


Nervousnya hurm.

I hope everything goes well. 

Ohmaigad, it's passes 0000 now. I need to sleep.

See you in the next post! xoxo Goodnite!

Update : It's already 230am , I cant sleep, not even for a minute. Habis dua buah movies aku pulun. Im dead but lets take bath & get ready.

To break up my lonely

And tell me you want me

How dare you march into my heart?

Oh, how rude of you

To ruin my miserable

And tell me I'm beautiful

'Cause I wasn't looking for love, no

Nobody asked you to get me attached to you

In fact you tricked me

And I wasn't trying to fall in love but, boy, you pushed me

So all that I'm asking

Is that you handle me with caution

'Cause I don't give myself often

But I guess I'll try today

'Cause I've had my heart

Broken before

And I promised I would never let me hurt anymore

But I tore down my walls

And opened my doors

And made room for one

So, baby, I'm yours ♫