Am I the only one yang rasa bulan January tahun ni has no end? There are a lot of things that happened recently that makes me feel so damn tired. Bukan nya tired fikizal macam buat kerja berat tu tapi penat kat mental. Personal & office-thingy. Sampaikan rasa went to the office on Monday fuhhh penat dia macam dah kerja sampai Thursday. Macam nak tunggu gaji on 25th aritu fuhhh macam dua bulan dah tak dapat gaji. January flies so slowwwww. 

A month flies, but still this diary is blank. I'm not shocked either.

Lets see what were happened to me this month.

1. No Saving.

I dont want to say it loud but as this site is my other half, I should write this down. In a few days I'm getting enganged ; in February. So January is my preparation-month. Memang banyak gila guna duit (Rm600). Until I've no saving at all. Plus, bulan ni kena renew insurance& roadtax motor  (Rm131) plus service motor (Rm144) plus tukar tayar kereta (Rm320), beli langsir (rm700) plus g Johor for Hawa's wedding. Memang gaji for January yang left : minus. Cerita dia how i survived? ; Korek Tabung.

2. Serabut with the preparation.

Sekarang baru aku rasa. It's not easy to hold a ceremony especially when you are so far away. I really really want to do everything by myself, tapi Ya Allah, trust me, you cant conduct an event when you're not presence at that place. Dont everr dream. Dengan nak ulang alik booking nasi. Nak kemas rumah pun stuck. Nak buat hantaran pun xboleh sbb things are at kampung. Nak pasang langsir pun tak boleh. So howwwwwwwwwwwww. You will need a helper. Serabut gila kepale otak. A few days left tapi preparation baru 40% hahahaha. 

3. Done with vaccine.

Alhamdulillah, abis dah ambik vaccine kat PPUM. Done my 3rd dose. The stupid thing was, aku terpaksa menapak kat PPUM tu dua kali sebab tersalah tarikh pergi. Adoi suck betul rasa. Dah la nak pergi tu malas dah. Bila pergi tak boleh nak ambik injection pulak. Hmm bertabahlah.

4. Irdina Hilang.

This happened end of December, but it kept stuck in my mind so lets count it in too. End of last December, abang aku datang KL, sebab dia ada interview. So, sementara dia pergi interview, he asked me to stay with Kak Ain, mak and the kids at Sogo. To look after. Aku bawak Irdina pergi satu kawasan playground dlm Sogo ni. But in a second, she was missing. sesaat sebelum tu betul2 dia depan mata aku. Oh God, my body turns cold. Heart beat fast. I directly called Kak Ain in case Irdina was with her. Tapi malangnya tidak. I searched her around but she was not there. Mak xyah cakap la, dah cemas dah. I kept recited doa & ayat-ayat alQuran and in 10minutes, I found her. She was looking for a toilet by herself. I was so thankful. Donow how to describe if she was gone T.T. Dont even dare to imagine. (Blaming self)

5. My Biological Clock

I dont know why I feel so f* tired. Banyak sgt kali ni aku akan tidur balik lepas Subuh. Dia punya mengantuk tu pergh level xleh bawak berbincang. Padahal tidur takdelah lewat sgt pun. And bila dh tertidur balik pas Subuh, for sure akan bangun semput semput je nak bersiap and so i keep skipping Solat Dhuha. and tahajud pun sama, lama nya tak buat. I feel soooooo f*ckg bad and hating myself. 

6. My Work Life

This is the my-most stressful thing & journey in January. As you're taking more responsible in your job, more burden yang you akan rasa. More tasks, more responsiblility, and ofkos, the chance you will do mistakes is high. And that was the things that happened to me. I was so fucked up this month as I did a few stupid silly mistakes that should not be happened. And I'm blaming myself a lot for that. And its suck. Because of this I think i'm might be getting anxiety disorder. Nauzubillah, mintak jauh. But it's so fucking tired and frust. 

7. BFF Trip to Johor for Hawa's Wedding.

It is always my dream to watch my bff in a beautiful wedding dress. I couldnt make it on her nikah day kat Terengganu so, as we promised to be with her, so we decided to go yang belah lelaki punya. Aku Jihah n Dibah. It was sooooooooooooo fun. Kiteorang pergi danga bay, pasar karat, ambik gambar kat deck. It was so fun! No lie.

"IS HE THE ONE?"

"What is he is not my destiny?" "What if I will get heart broken again after this?" "What is he's not mean to me?"
These kind of questions hit my head like a thousand of times - a day.

Can you help meeeeeeeee? I donoooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

I'm so bad at making decision.

But I know, 

No one ever can help me.

If someone suddenly be close with you for several months,

(in fact - i knew him for 9 years ago)

Suddenly proposed you to marry him.

"Sanggup x awk susah senang sama-sama sy?"

What.should.you.answer?

---

I remembered since the first day he wanted to befriend with me, 

(Finally aku replied after a few attemps he dm in fb messeger)

I was thinking for a while at that time- should I reply or should I ignore?

But there was a positive thought in my mind at that time. I was slightly moved by his action & bold.

How could you keep waving at someone who didnt even reply your chat?

I think - what if he is the one? 

He has been there waiting for my reply since years.

Dah masa nya kot aku buka balik hati aku balik. Kata dah move on? Kah

Aku terus buat solat istikarah lepas tu hahaha tapi bukan sebab desperate to get married, im just want to be be extra careful and firm to myself. Mamat yang sama kot dm kau since a few years back. Setahun aku tutup pintu hati, tapi dia dm lagi.What if he is the answer for my prayer?

Aku doa mintak Tuhan tunjuk, if he is not the one, aku taknak kawan dah,

hahahahaha sombong kan? tapi, tak bagi aku. 

Better to prevent, sebelum melalut lalut, I'm the one who will turn out become worse.

Time flies, we got closer, and one night, selepas first time kiteorang balik from taaruf session, so are you serious with me? Kalau tak, aku nak end everything here- maksudnya bukan putus kawan, tapi dah tak perlu kot to know each other deeper, aku dah taknak keep contact everyday.

He replied, "awak igt sy main-main ke? dari awal lagi sy serious..."

Glup.

And thing goes on. I met his mum, he met my family. Eveything goes smoothly.

One month left before our engagement and now my head keeps questioning, 

"Is he the one means to me?"

He has a few things that I dream of - and a few things that I dislike,

but I cant be selfish, nobody is perfect.

Now, I think I should stop thinking of unsure question lingers in my head,
because what I'm sure of now, it's not that "he is the one", it's because it's me who is afraid to make a decision because I'm keep thinking about negative things.

semoga semua yang was-was tu semua dari setan.

"Am I ready?

Hello, 2019,

time to start accepting the reality with open heart & arm!