A lot Are Still Loving You

by - July 24, 2017

*Publishing old draft*
 Hi my best friend-diary,
After a long period of hibernation, it feels good again to meet you. I’m not in the mood of writing, but I make it as a compulsory to myself as writing is a good way of healing. Yes, I have been broke for too long. Poor me. Cant eat well, cant sleep well, cant work well, crying in a bed, bathroom, car, streets and even everywhere. Worse right?
I remember the day you told me you were leaving
I remember the make-up running down my face
And the dreams you left behind you didn't need them
Like every single wish we ever made
I wish that I could wake up with amnesia
And forget about the stupid little things
Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you
And the memories I never can escape

'Cause I'm not fine at all
Gratefully, I have many many of supportive friends around me who texts, dm, calls and sit in front of me asking for my condition. They all encourage me to stand up again after falling from this high gorge. The heart breaking feeling is so so so bad and has a lot of negative-side. Nauzubillah, hopefully, I wont get to go thru this pain again. I cant see anything blooming anymore after the broke-up. It's so dark. It’s really hard to go thru a day without the same routines, no more text from you – you have no idea how frequently I’m looking for your text. But now I realize, it’s not so bad. I'm getting better now I guess.

 “I hate you for giving up on us. I hate you for hurting me.
I hate you for making me cry. I hate you for leaving me.
I hate you for what you’ve done. I hate you for ruining everything we had.
I hate you for making me trust you when you were just gonna break that trust.
I hate you for making me love you so much. Mostly, I hate you for making me a fool because i still love you despite everything you put me through...”

Dear Faisal, it’s really hard for me to get up from this high falling, but realize the fact of that I’m just falling alone make it easier. I have no idea why you are asking me to keep you as a friend on instagram while all you did back then is showing off your sweetness with your new gf (old xceli). Are you wishing me to see it and keep crying? Seriously? Since you did that, I got so many unexpected reactions from everyone. I’m ashamed. But thanks to you, because you make it easier for me, by showing off your true color.

A year and I cant believe I still crying myself over you even throwing my phone (really regret that fool). I have no strength to remove you from my friendlist & contactlist, deleting all our conversation, but thanks again to my friend who took my phone and did that. Because she knew, I will never do that even I promised i will (she knew me pretty well). My phone hang for 3 times just to delete our chat. Eventho, there are still undeleted files left in my hiding place, hahaha im so sly. Can you imagine how long the chat was? Ya, I know you dont even care. So now as you are showing everyone you are so happy with the new one, I decide to let everything go. I realize I need to move on too. Eventho, God knows what have you did to me. All the lies. And I decide to change my dua' too. Start from our first met,my dua' was always to you, I always pray that we will end up together but now I will let you happy with your own choice. I really hope we are not meant to be together. I admitted that I’m so sad in fact of losing you as you always promised
you wont ever leave me. You lied and your new gf is a liar too, promise to stand by my side konon. Nak je aku print screen semua conversation kau dulu forward balik kat diri sendiri tu.

Thanks for all of the concerns and supports friends, I’m so touched. Everyone is telling me to move on, everyone loves me, no one wants to see me broken for that long & bad. At first, I admitted, I refused to take their advices,  i tot they dont understand me. “Hey, you are not in my shoes, so dont ever think it is so easy!” But later on I realize, they all already went thru this phase, people love me, they advising me alot because they are all concern bout me, I’m  so blind by thinking they dont understand. I’m so selfish, why keep I’m hurting myself even the truth is already in front of me. I realize, sadness wont make me feel better, but it does drag me to the darkest place. I need to walk away from this source of pain, so that I can start healing.

Thanks Allah for these ups and downs moments. Thanks for choosing me. I’m regretting nothing. I read a lot of motivation stories. I noticed that this hardship make me closer to Allah as I’m always crying to Him. I learned to not trusting people so much. Even after the thousand of promises, people will leave me anyway. Forgiveness will help me obtain inner peace, I’ll forgive myself again and again. Today, I promise myself I wont stress too much over this matter again. Do believe, Allah chose me to go thru this hardship for a reason.
Really thanks to everyone who love me unconditionally.
Attached this for myself reminder ;
We never meet, but thanks for the spirit booster.
Hahaha, sorry, I cant help from laugh. Seriously that kind of question? I knew you've been contacting with her.
Nak je aku forward conversation korang. But it's okay thanks btw start from the beginning.
The one yang paling tired bagi nasihat kat aku. Sian dia penat tetiap hari dengar aku merapu.


Thanks girlfriends. A lots more. Tapi biarlah. Aku nak lupakan semua ni.

“No matter how shattered your heart is, never lose hope. Cry to Him for as long as you need. Only He can turn tears of sadness into pure joy.”

Your heart will heal. You have to believe that sayang.

i'm hungry. Pen off.

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Say Good Words :)